O Nobly Born, O you of glorious origins, remember your radiant true nature, the essence of mind. Trust it. Return to it. It is home. - Tibetan Book of the Dead
In the Autumn of 2023, I have recommitted myself to personal development and a role of leading by example. This life change comes with great humility in both my difficulties and honoring my inner nobility of compassion, grace, and surrender.
Now 38 years young, I’ve settled into my life as a coach, as student, and above all as a fallible human being. Although our lives are built on both our successes and failures, I want to reflect my own path to offer perspective and solace to anyone who needs it.
Ebbs and Flows
In March of 2023, I made the decision to leave a relationship. Oftentimes we want to justify our side of the story, but I was only able to make peace with the situation by owning to the fact that I was wasn’t the right match for her needs in a partner.
I’m not sure there is any worse pain than loss, but moving on was the right decision. I gave her my home of 8 years, lived in complete simplicity for several weeks, and was graciously offered to live in a client’s guest home in exchange for my training services.
By this point I had already deleted both my Instagram and Facebook. I had felt a metamorphosis beginning in the Autumn of 2022. I needed a deep reflection that only a venture of silence could provide. I forewent all forms of media to hear this voice.
I found aspects of my adolescence in the stillness of this fast. My identity was one of adventure, a thirst for knowledge, and a love of all things physical. But still, there was a void. Who was I? Why was I here? Will life always feel like this? Where am I going?
It has taken until now to gain a grasp on a life well-lived. I found the love of my life in May of this year. It was like a story out of a fairytale: sharing a common energy of love and goodness embodied in a mutual trust of deep spirited healing and growth.
She is an angel, and I feel like I don’t deserve her. But in this humility I found the opportunity to be a man of honor, diligence, and service. People who make you want to be better are the ultimate gift. For this reason, I will never take her for granted.
But because I love this woman, I have committed myself to continuing my deep work on past trauma and reemergent triumph. Although I largely write about fitness, this is a story of my fallibility as a human being and my practice of self-love and expression.
Hiking has been a guiding light in my life. From childhood until now, my time spent among the hills has given me clarity of thought, equanimity, and purpose. Sedona, AZ.
Perfectionism
As an Enneagram 3, I am rapt in my achievements. This has led me to many great successes, but also great disappointment and harsh self-criticism. I have improved my self-love, but my Type 3 traits are ultimately toxic to my Christ/Buddha nature.
3 THE ACHIEVER: The Success-Oriented, Pragmatic Type: Adaptive, Excelling, Driven, and Image-Conscious via: enneagraminstitute.com/type-descriptions
I’ve always been a high-achiever. Since high school I have excelled at sports, academics, and most things that I’ve tried. I was rewarded by newspaper spreads, fame and glory, and even early acceptance to the University of California San Diego.
I struggled when my parents divorced at age 18. Confused at having thought I had the perfect life, I went to college and discovered cannabis. Its sweet aroma calmed my anger and dissatisfaction. Unfortunately my relationship with her lasted 18 years.
It’s crazy how one introduction to a substance could result in abuse lasting daily from 18 to 36. Now I’m 38 years young, two years free of weed, 10 years free of party drugs, and beginning my life anew with the choice to move on from psychedelic drugs.
I think people are ultimately shocked when they learn a “high-achiever” like myself who has ALL their shit together could have been lulled into altered consciousness through frequent drug use. I guess they’ve always been a crutch: my way out of pain.
On one hand, my first LSD trip at age 21 changed the trajectory of who I am. I realized that I was not the center of the universe, but a piece of the collective energy of all things. I gained a cosmic consciousness that has made me who I am today.
But like many Type A personalities, I am prone to overdo things. I can remember up to 8 years ago on acid trips hearing the voice of the divine medicine, “Why are you back here? You already know what you need to do. Why haven’t you done it?”
I guess the escape from the pain of reality, the responsibility of being a leader and teacher, and having to confront my own ideals of perfectionism kept me coming back to the spirit land. I knew then that I didn’t need them, but I was attached to them.
As of October 28, 2023, I am committed to sobriety. It’s long overdue that I continue onward in deep reflection, meditation, prayer, and holistic wellbeing. Let this be a public acknowledgement of my continued self development as a sober person.
My passion is strength training and the accumulation of knowledge to better serve my students. DBCJ.
Rebirth
The courageous heart is the one that is unafraid to open to the world. With compassion we come to trust our capacity to open to life without armoring - Jack Kornfield in The Wise Heart
I grew up in a Presbyterian household. My parents were conservative in their views, but always bolstered by a strong community of godly people. This was a great childhood, we had an anchor in the teachings of Christ and a ruleset to follow.
About the same time I began smoking weed, I also lost my faith. Ultimately I became agnostic. During years of party drug use in my mid to late twenties, I desired a deep spiritual change. I began studying Buddhism and spending more time in nature.
Author’s Note: At age 5 and then at age 21 I had visited Thailand. From those trips I had been fascinated with the lifestyle (I refrain from calling it a religion since the Buddha is akin to a teacher. Buddhists also consider christ a Buddha). Although I identify as a Christian to this day, a powerful Buddhist teaching is that of “non-identification.” This has been a powerful motive for me in my denial of the fact that “I am a drug addict.” I am not. I am a fallible human being capable of redemption.
And my public acknowledgement of my growth as a man is this: I commit to daily prayer, mediation, reading, writing, and a life fulfilled by service to others. I deserve what I work toward, and I am enough without my accomplishments.
I’ll tell you this, it really helps me to put these thoughts on my blog. I feel humility in these words, I feel like I’m fulfilling my role as a teacher by being vulnerable about these things. I’m a recovering perfectionist and man capable of redemption.
So with that said, namaste -
The Divine within me bows to the same Divine within you.
In the end these things matter most: How well did you love? How fully did you live? How deeply did you let go? Jack Kornfield
And know that I am with you always; yes, to the end of time. Jesus
John Parker
November 1, 2023
I'm a big fan of your writing skills, but this one was a difficult read because I only want the best for you. Regardless, sharing your struggles and what you have overcome is inspiring to me. You are a beautiful person in so many ways John!!
Although we are connected only via the digital media (and the philosophy that we share through StrongFirst), I wish nothing but the best for your resurgence (not recovery). A thought that has always helped me in life when things get tough --> "Sharpest swords are forged in the fiercest fires". So don't let the fire consume you but let it shape you to become stronger than before. Stay strong and keep moving forward !